The Little-Known Secret That Will Have You Spelling $UCCE$$ with Dollar Signs
What if I told you that wild financial success ($UCCE$$!) was headed your way? Well it is, so I am. Fantastic! I just need your mailing address and a nominal fee. After all, you can’t spell “phenomenal” without “nominal.” Unless you are the kind of person to let spellcheck stand between you and your dreams.
Over here at our humble multi-level marketing homestead, we’re looking for a few good people interested in tripling their income at half the workload and zero commute time—all while smelling like the inside of pajamas. Sound sketchy and unrealistic? Because it is not. Totally not. Let me be the first to tell you IT IS AWESOME.
NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME IT IS…
Let’s get to the heart of why it is right for you. If I know anything about you (and I don’t, but I kind of sound like I do, right?), you have all the potential to become a thriving self-made machine of business entrepreneurship. You are genuine, thoughtful, a little bit sassy, great hair. You like new opportunities. You aren’t opposed to hard work if it is for a good cause. You have a network of family and friends you can rely on. You think a new boat makes for a pretty darn smart investment.
YOU DESERVE BETTER
Look around you. Those toenail clippings in that half eaten Activia? The stain on the wall? The hamper that looks like it is uncorking a batch stomach flu? Is THIS your American Dream? No way!
Close your eyes for a moment and imagine what an all-expenses paid vacation of your choosing might look like. Where would you go? What would you do? How many poor people would be required to fluff your pillow and refill your water glass? While a slideshow plays in the background (images of shiny cars and leer jets and people smiling through raised glasses of champagne), consider this list of things you will soon be able to add to your lifestyle:
- Regular promotions
- Flying first class
- Five star hotels
- Freedom to work on YOUR schedule
- Down payment for a new car
- Stunning mall jewelry
- Remaining silent in the face of systematic oppression
- Three weeks in Aspen
WHO ARE WE?
We are makers and sellers of some of the finest home and beauty products on the market today. But while our level of service is a-rockin’, please don’t bother a-knockin’. Our storefront and offices are mostly virtual. But, believe me, we are way more than just a nonexistent storefront. As individuals working in a team spirit, we are each a lot like you, but with slightly to vastly more earning potential.
We are your co-workers, eager to share ( grab) our success with (from) you just for being you (working hard, absorbing overhead costs, insulting the good nature of your friends and family, smiling at the meager scrapings you manage to collect under your nails from the prison walls of an oversaturated market). In that sense, we are a top-tier training ground for self-made entrepreneur success stories!
ARE YOU READY TO START MAKING MONEY TODAY?
I know what you are asking—“How does it work?” We’ll get to that.
Forget all that work stuff for a moment. What you should know first is that just like you, we love to throw a really great party. Like the coolest party. We love finding good people who want to join us at the coolest party. Once all the good people are at the coolest party we sell them things they might not really need.
But that’s not all. We sell them on the possibility that they too can sell these marginally needed things so that we over here can stop being the ones who have to throw the really great parties all the time.
HAVE YOU EVER WORN A BRIDLE AND HARNESS?
No, not for some weirdo 50 Shades of Gray thing, silly! …For “50 shades” of pulling a sled through the hard-driven snow. Hard-driven metaphorical snow, of course. What is on that sled you are pulling? Our array of amazing products. Your goal is in front of you. Just beyond the rim of that bleak icy horizon is your warmed up meal of huge financial success. Best yet…
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE
I’ll be here to help you with anything you need along the way. You will be reminded of this fact every time you hear the sound of a whip cracking the air over your head.
At the end of this letter, I will hand the whip off to you. BOOM. Promoted. You are now Junior Director of Regional Sales Hyping.
Take the whip. Take it. Take it.
We find it works best if you self-motivate. Tap into your guilt complex, that electricity bill, new boat fantasies, whatever makes you narrow your eyes and separate Facebook friends into groups based on how willing they might be to buy stuff from you.
Did I mention our stunning cornucopia of products are on that sled? Quite a responsibility, but I know you are going to do great. Our Founder and CEO is on the sled, too. He is eating barbecued ribs. He is a large and important man. Please hand him a napkin. The entire upper management team is also on the sled. They are so crazy excited for you they are jumping up and down. We call them the Tucked Khaki Blizzard.
SECOND THOUGHTS? THOSE ARE STUPID. JOIN TODAY!
Now is the time! Don’t let your Way Cool Payday pass you by. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor. It is a nice polished wood floor. Looks like pine.
Let me tell you the story of our humble founder. At one time he was just like you. He saw an opportunity and leapt at it palms first. He was lucky enough to get in on the ground floor. You should see his floor now. His floor is marble with gold edging and diamond encrusted baseboards, and his floor is licked shiny every day by the ground floor people. So start licking! Did I say your ground floor was made of pine? Oops. You waited too long. Now the ground floor is made of balsa. You missed the pine window, but there is still time before the ground floor turns to straw and a flock of sheep wander in from the rain to stand around and poop.
STILL HAVE QUESTIONS? HERE IS WHERE WE ANSWER THEM!
That’s all you need to know!
OUR WORLD FAMOUS STARTER KIT
For your one-time $999 membership fee you will get:
- $346 of worthless beauty products zipped inside of…
- $188 of needless and tacky tote bags
- Free samples (billed to your credit card unless you return them unopened within 72 hours with a notorized letter of apology)
- Barbecue-scented Membership Card, signed by the Founder and CEO!
- CD-ROM containing Three (3) slick training videos, One (1) highly motivational pep talk, and One (1) exclusive new music video from 3 Doors Down.
Think about it. Freedom. Flexibility. Income. Unwieldy trips to the post office. Exasperated Family Members. We’re recruiting winners over here. Are you a winner? Yes you are. Shut up. Take the whip. Take it. JOIN TODAY!